THE FIRST DAY

First day of school
Image from www.unitedwaytriangle.org

It's official, I hate introductions. "Hi, my name is Linda and you are? Aah, nice to meet you. Then you smile, and have you noticed that a polite smile puts strain on your mouth? Within minutes you are there exercising your jaw and even after you have stopped smiling you sort of feel like you still are. Introductions are awkward, that is why blind dates suck. So why was I introducing myself to people if I completely hate it?

Today is my first day as an intern at a media house. I'm I happy? No, more like nervous. My heart's racing and I keep wishing there was a manual somewhere that directed my every move. Is the experience bad? Not really, nothing much has happened seeing as its the first day.

On your first day of school or work you walk through the door for the first time and you feel foreign: the environment feels foreign to you and even your own body feels foreign to you. It is weird, like you were yourself when you walked out the door of your house but in new territory you feel like your experiencing yourself for the first time. And, I felt different.

Lucky for me, I am doing my internship with a friend so...not so scary but we were discussing in the hallway how powerless we feel. There is no difference between us and a newly born baby; on our first day we are anxious and need someone to hold our hands; caught between holding on to past comforts and dealing with the present challenges. The only difference between us and that newly born baby is that, the baby feels no embarrassment.

My friend and I walk around the office trying to look like we have a sense of purpose perhaps oblivious to our close to tip-toe walk as we are afraid to draw the attention of straying eyes. I notice how anxious I get when I walk into a room and some people raise their heads from behind their monitors to eye me to my seat and for a second I wish I were Stuart Little.

The day is over and am heading home. My first day is done and I exhale in relief. The worst is over right? Plus it wasn't so bad. Tomorrow I will feel more like myself and things will get better...I hope.

AWAKE

Hi blog, how have you been? I know that it has been a while. Feeling like a vampire who has been asleep for centuries. A little taste of blood and a fresh wave of air into my lungs and I feel like it is morning for the first time in months.

I have been asleep all this time. When I closed my eyes, it felt like any ordinary night and I thought that I would sleep for six hours as usual and wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and ready for the day. But, that wasn't the case. I closed my eyes and went to sleep and then in my sleep I went to sleep again and so you see, for several months I have been in deep slumber.

It's ironic you now, I being a writer of sorts who chose to study for a degree in print media being afraid of words; being afraid to express myself. But enough of that, I am awake now and I will hit the ground running. No more wasting time. Like MJ am declaring this is it. However, I hope that doesn't mean that I will kick the bucket like he did, that isn't the 'it' am talking about.

You might be wondering where I have been and what I have been doing with my time and perhaps you deserve an explanation but am not going to give you one. There are certain stories that just shouldn't be told. Let ignorance be bliss this time. We can just celebrate the fact that am back. For how long you ask? I don't know maybe just for this moment or forever, we can't predict the future and I can't speak for sure so lets take every moment as it comes. Lets focus on nothing else but now. Nothing else matters but the next few words that I punch on my keyboard. I won't worry about tomorrow, or a few seconds from now. I'll focus all my energy on finishing this sentence. One step at a time. One word at a time.

Like I said, hitting the ground running. Made my list of priorities and now the juggling begins. By the way, I hope to find purpose in this new journey am embarking on. I have realized how empty life is without it. How pointless everything is when you don't know why.

PARANOIA

“Make sure nobody sees the depression in your eyes. Ooh, how I wish my nose was smaller. If only I were a little bit lighter. Why did God give me this hair? Life would have been better if I had hair like Asian women. It would be soft and long and it would blow in the wind. I would be prettier if I had that hair. You’re beautiful…sometimes. Remember that mum always says that there are more beautiful women in the world. She thinks you don’t already know that. Your eyes are your best assets. Why are you only beautiful sometimes? I wish I was someone else.”

“Stop looking at me,” looking away from the mirror.

“Get out of your head, you idiot.”

“Look at her, isn’t she beautiful. I wish I was as pretty as her. No, I wish I was pretty but different. I would know how to use my beauty. She always wears so nicely. I hate her. I hate myself. If my boyfriend ended up liking her I guess I would step aside. I would pretend to understand and not be concerned then cry to myself hoping no one hears my sobs.”

“Get out of your head.”

“Why did I dream about him last night? Those emotions felt real. When I saw him walk over to me, finding me in the crowd I tried so much to hide in. He looked for me, wanted me and he gave me a red rose in front of everyone. Why did he do that? In reality he gave me cake. I swear there was no one else in the room and he looked me straight in the eye. Don’t know why there was so much noise. Why did he do that? I wish I could ask him and he tells me.” I remember the day in the swimming pool; he would dive under water and pull my leg. Why did he do that also? I thought we were playing. I tried to blow it off but he did it again and again so I thought we were playing. I laugh and move close to him."

“Don’t come near me!”

“Why did he say that? The look in his eyes, his hand held out like a traffic cop so that he makes sure I don’t come close to him. He really didn’t want me to come close to him and my chest feels tight. Tears sting my eyes. Don’t blink. Why did he push me away like that? Is it that he doesn’t want people to think he likes me? Is he ashamed to like me? I hate him. I hate myself. Sorry, I lied; I like him though I still hate myself. Wish I was someone else.”

“Get out of your head you idiot, let it go that happened a long time ago.”

“Why do I have to rely on you, lord? Why do I have to owe you anything? Life is so hard on your own, but if you rely on someone else, they will own you and they will let you down? I wish I was perfect, and then I won’t need you...or anyone for that matter. Why is it so hard to make friends? It is easy for other people. Why do I feel this way? If only I didn’t exist. I wonder how I would feel. It won’t matter because if I didn’t exist I wouldn’t feel anything. What’s my talent? We are all going to die. No one will miss me when am gone, who cares.”

“Get out of your head you idiot”

“It is a lovely day. It’s like the sun is smiling. The sky is so blue. I love the weather like this. Feel like dancing to this song. I can do this. Life is how you want it to be. He said I have beautiful eyes. Can’t stop smiling. I see a future even though there is nothing there. However, it feels like everything will be okay.”

“Dear God, I should write you a letter sometime. You created me like this. Just like this and I hope you aren’t angry with me because am difficult and stubborn by nature. My faith will waiver because you are asking a lot from me. You are asking me to trust you. I don’t think I can do that. Why did you create me with this temperament? Why was I born with tendencies of depression and suicide? The pleasures of the flesh are so sweet. Sometime I don’t think I’ll make it; to heaven that is. I hate you sometimes, like really hate you sometimes and I blame you a lot for a lot of things that are probably my fault. I wish I could see myself through someone else’s eyes, just to know what I’m working with. Why did you create me like this? Bear with me. Please, don’t send me to hell."

“Get out of your head you, you idiot!”