TIPPING THE SCALE

Courtesy of kimbeach.com

So I have been trying to lose weight like every other woman. Even when am stuffing my face with chocolate muffin I am still trying. Others may consider that moment a fail but I prefer to shut up my cravings by chocking it with a chocolate muffin rather than hushing it with a carrot and have it nag me for eternity.

So...losing weight right...then I begin to ask myself what will be the perfect weight? Because, I don't want to look like a clothes hanger. So what is the perfect weight? I don't know. I start to think; I wasn't happy at 67kg and am not happy at 60 and I probably won't be happy at 50, kgs that is. So I quit my diet.

Another fail, right? Wrong...well maybe...I just chose to pick a different diet. 

Stop eating when you are full and damn it you know that feeling. Distract your mind with other activities like filling in a crossword puzzle or sudoku so you kill time before lunch. Stick to three proper meals a day; breakfast, lunch and supper so that your mind does not justify that chocolate muffin, packet of biscuits, chevda and crisps with the idea 'well you didn't eat lunch.' When you fall hungry between meals feed on fruits and nuts first. When the hunger is gone you are less likely to junk. They are just as filling and everything tastes fantastic when you are hungry anyway. Drink lots of water. Water is filling as well. Finally get some exercise. Walk, run, jump, stretch...just do something and at least three times a week.

Another unconventional thing I do is to watch programs like 'fat doctor' or 'the biggest loser'. It may sound cruel but those stories are the best motivators to ensure you don't let things get that bad. By the way, don't watch these programs as you eat. Once my brunch nearly saw the sun.

You see I don't want to be controlled by the whole weight thing. It is a lifestyle after all, living healthy. Because in essence we just want to feel like we look good with our clothes on and off. But all of it is vanity.

I just hear some of the stories of how people try to shed weight and it is ridiculous and no am never trying raw fish. I don't care even if it is said to be 'exotic'. You give me fish and I will pick up fresh fry.

It never is about losing weight. It is about finding a system that works for you so that you include all that is good for you in your life and avoiding all that is bad without making yourself unhappy in the process. That's what I think anyway, what do I know...am no expert.

Generation Y ideal

Photo from www.good.co/blog/2013/05/20/

There was a day in one of my classes when this girl was arguing with the rest of the class about age. Well, it was her and her friend. The thing is we were saying that no one will give you a million dollar business deal to handle when you are in your twenties and the ink hasn't yet dried on your certificate. What we meant is that wisdom and experience comes with age but she wouldn't let up. She thought that we were looking down on ourselves. I wanted to argue but I procrastinated my comments until the argument ended. Fine, I just didn't feel like arguing. I don't know, she was hopeful and mind-numbing naive in my view.

The whole time she would defend her theory I just remembered this article I read on facebook...yes facebook; no typing error. Some link. It was stating the reasons why generation Y will be disappointed and it basically said that we live our lives with some type of entitlement. When we were young we were told that we are special and we can be and do anything we want if we put our minds to it. So we all think that we will end up being C.E.Os and wealthy. But, that's not reality, some will be managers, simple ordinary employees and some blue collar job workers and many won't be rich.  Now am a generation Y member so I also think that I won't be a blue collar worker. I'll start as an ordinary employee and work my way to the top. However am not delusional. Life has persistently shown me that things will never happen in the exact same way I envisioned it and most times not at all. For that reason I decided to not be rigid in my dreaming. If it's God's will for me to end up...wherever I end up and am happy even though am not successful according to society's standards then I will accept my fate.

 In primary school some teacher kept on stressing on how we need to leave a legacy like Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs, Bill gates, Oprah, Jerry Springer yes Jerry Springer, Obama as well...how could I forget Obama, yawa! Anyway, I remember thinking that the world has billions of people living in it every year at one given time and not everyone has a legacy. It is just not probable. I reached university and one of my lecturers said lets be reasonable. Some of you will score A in my class most B and C and a few D. It sounded bad but he was stating the truth. Someone has to be first and someone has to be last. Someone has to be the one loaning banks money and someone has to be the one accepting aid from NGO's. It is just sad reality, not negativity.

I do believe that if you work hard and smart and do your level best and not con anyone God will reward you with success. But, to think that just because you are hardworking then everything will go your way and people will just call you for opportunities to prove yourself is naive. Beyonce herself said that sometimes you work hard and still lose. I wouldn't give you that business deal because am sure when you mess up, you'll expect me to understand that you are human and things go wrong. However, experienced people know that when it comes to millions no one thinks mistake but sabotage.

Old wounds

Listening to Six degrees of separation by the Script on replay. Between the feelings of worthlessness because of work and the feelings of loneliness because of a conversation with a friend-stranger am dancing on the edge of depression.

Only with human beings can you find yourself crying over spilled milk when the carton wasn't even yours to begin with and he was never mine. Falling for someone who would never fall for you is one of life's ten plagues of misery. We will all pay our dues with tears and pieces of our soul.

There's a slight tightness in my chest. It is faint. Example of a heart ache but very dull. Feels like a ripple of pain through my body. That's what old wounds touched feel like.

Fake smiles and pleasantries am not sure I mean. "That name sounds lovely"...i don't think so. And, not in a bad way. I really don't think that name is all that lovely. It's a common name, heard it before. The only reason I said that was to be polite. I'm not bitter, not even close. Won't even want him now. Has something to do with wanting a train set from your parents when you are thirty. It's time has passed. I just feel unhappy; wronged by life or at least...left behind.

Switched to Hater by Miranda Brooke although I din't get the player because I didn't get anything at all. But he's in love and am alone and it's still not fair. I don't know her but I do know that I already don't like her.

She's probably an amazing woman. Light skinned. Skinny with a flat belly and measurable hips. And, she's probably a little angel wanting nothing but happiness for every tormented soul in the world.

No more nice things.

I'm making myself sick.

Talking about these feelings would probably make me seem human but I can't help but wonder if am too exposed. God knows that writing about it isn't the same as talking about it and that's why this is easier for me.

Such moments highlight everything going wrong or stagnating in my life. Makes everything seem so much worse. Feeling like a failure. I ain't, I know...just saying I feel like one. Hopeless even.

Some conversations should be had after a blunt...if i smoked or at least three shots of tequila rose. Such situations could damped the spirits of someone who just won the lottery. All you wanted to do was win and when they handed you the cheque you Kemboi'ed the person handing it to you (I smiled when i said Kemboi'ed) anyway then he/she texts, calls or if you are unlucky you run into them in the streets then shit hits the fan.

Anyway. it is a feeling like any other and it will pass like Nairobi winter this sunny day.