NEGATIVITY AND EXPECTATIONS

I can't seem to stay positive. I try, God knows I try but for some reason when things go wrong I cannot see beyond my nose. Today, in my head, I was saying blaa blaa blaa  so that I would stop thinking so negatively. Didn't work.

I have no idea how others do it. I remember reading a quote of sorts at one time. It said, that a person cannot see other people's turmoils when their tooth is aching. And, I remember thinking it is just one tooth; one single tooth and when it aches you cannot see past the pain. So every time I get negative and focus on my problems; I mean magnify my problems (that's more the truth) that quote pops in my head.

The most weird thing is, a part of me knows that everything will be alright; a part of me trusts that God will solve all my problems but I cannot find it in me to translate my knowledge into feelings. My life journey has taught me that nothing lasts; that joy will come and go same as pain or suffering even anger. Yet, I worry, I fuss.

Expectation is not your friend, it's not mine. Every time I raise my expectations I get disappointed. Even the notion of common sense is expectation. It is not common sense that you flash the toilet after you use it: people need to be told that yes, every time not every other time. Never expect, it is what creates unrealistic goals, wants, 'needs'. What happens in my mind is, I imagine a possible outcome and because the mind is a powerful tool, it feels real and so I base more expectations on my imagined future. So not cool.

I won't promise to stay positive because I found out that promises are spiritually binding and besides that creates expectations. This isn't even about declaring that I will try next time. I just wanted to rant. :-)

DOUBLE STANDARDS

People partying
Image from insidenairobi.xemzi.com

Every time I read about the comments men make about how women dress for a night out I feel judgement oozing through the words. They talk about red lipstick and short figure hugging outfits complete with high heels and for some reason as you read those comments you feel the need to ask so what about it?

It's not what you say but how you say it and I can't describe to you how they say it. I just know that I don't like it. With one breathe, glance he will be complimenting you and insult you. Their faces tell stories of pleasure and disgust and I am tempted to slap the hypocrisy out their genetic make-up.

Have you ever worn those figure-hugging outfits on your way out late at night? Clearly am taking about the women but if you are a guy and you have...the thought shocks me so much that I don't have a clever statement to complete that dis. Anyway if you have perhaps you will identify. The song 'Chokoza' by Avril and Marya rings in your head. As you slip into that little outfit, you feel psyched because you know that you will get a lot of attention in that little number plus you think you look good so you feel good. In the comforts of your home or of that of your friends you become ignorant of the icy breeze that awaits you the minute you step out. The red lipstick is because it pops. I mean it's one of those nights out, you aren't supposed to be subtle in your demand for attention so red it is, or purple or pink. The heels compliment the dress and even though you know at the back of your mind that you will struggle and trip and possibly fall and it won't be a pretty sight, you think of the models and actresses and how they wouldn't wear that dress with those flats. There, you have reasoned your way into those heals or so you think you did...reason, I mean.

You are set. Out into the world you go, walking, stumbling your hyper-self into the club as you constantly adjust your dress pulling it up to cover the cleavage a bit and down to cover the thighs a bit. And, in case you are wondering, at the back of your mind you did feel that dress was a size not yours. But, you shrugged it off. A part of you lied to you that you could handle it, so relax it's not your fault.

They look, ooh they look as you pass-by. The men that is, looking at you as you strut your stuff across the floor oblivious to the meticulous calculations that designed that walk and your constant fears of tripping and falling that haunt the back of your mind. Both of you love the feeling...of his gaze on you. But, you can pretend you don't, because I know the truth so am telling you, not asking.

You should know, ladies that he likes what he sees. He likes your public disregard of decency, he likes the raunchy thoughts that are running through his mind this night under the witness of the moon and those comments and glances are of pleasure but come tomorrow morning, under the judging sun these feelings will be overtaken by guilt and overbearing sense of morality. Disgust comes in the morning, hand in hand with the double standards. Nkt.

THE FIRST DAY

First day of school
Image from www.unitedwaytriangle.org

It's official, I hate introductions. "Hi, my name is Linda and you are? Aah, nice to meet you. Then you smile, and have you noticed that a polite smile puts strain on your mouth? Within minutes you are there exercising your jaw and even after you have stopped smiling you sort of feel like you still are. Introductions are awkward, that is why blind dates suck. So why was I introducing myself to people if I completely hate it?

Today is my first day as an intern at a media house. I'm I happy? No, more like nervous. My heart's racing and I keep wishing there was a manual somewhere that directed my every move. Is the experience bad? Not really, nothing much has happened seeing as its the first day.

On your first day of school or work you walk through the door for the first time and you feel foreign: the environment feels foreign to you and even your own body feels foreign to you. It is weird, like you were yourself when you walked out the door of your house but in new territory you feel like your experiencing yourself for the first time. And, I felt different.

Lucky for me, I am doing my internship with a friend so...not so scary but we were discussing in the hallway how powerless we feel. There is no difference between us and a newly born baby; on our first day we are anxious and need someone to hold our hands; caught between holding on to past comforts and dealing with the present challenges. The only difference between us and that newly born baby is that, the baby feels no embarrassment.

My friend and I walk around the office trying to look like we have a sense of purpose perhaps oblivious to our close to tip-toe walk as we are afraid to draw the attention of straying eyes. I notice how anxious I get when I walk into a room and some people raise their heads from behind their monitors to eye me to my seat and for a second I wish I were Stuart Little.

The day is over and am heading home. My first day is done and I exhale in relief. The worst is over right? Plus it wasn't so bad. Tomorrow I will feel more like myself and things will get better...I hope.