Dark Clouds

I am just from having a dark cloud moment. This is the time when you feel so bad that you can't stop your tears from flowing. It's funny...okay  not funny just weird that when you feel bad about one thing everything else that can make you cry comes to mind. That is why am calling it a dark cloud moment. You feel like there is a dark cloud hovering over you and you can't see the sun...so to speak.

As I was crying my eyes out and feeling so alone in the world there was some twisted voice in my head saying "You know there will come a time when you will forget just how bad you feel right now, right?" and in between mental sobs I was inwardly saying "Shut up!"

It's not like me to cry...hahahaha...I cry, let me rephrase that, it's not like me to cry in front of people. When am feeling so bad that I cannot stop those tears from falling down I really hate it when someone rubs my back, tells me to stop crying, tries to make me feel better, holds me or gives my problems the spotlight. Fine, I like the concern, it just makes me cry more and that's what I hate. Take me to see a movie, buy me junk food, tell me something that you know will get my mind off my problem so that I forget I really want to cry.

For some reason, I have been led to believe that it is nonsense to cry over a bad day, or a dead chicken, failure,disappointment, minor physical pain like cutting myself with a kitchen knife or even just cause I feel emotionally frustrated. The only time it is "okay" for me to cry is at a funeral, and I must really have been close to that person-thank God I haven't yet lost someone like that. And for some reason, I have been led to believe that crying is weakness and weakness is wrong.

Anyway, after crying and sleeping on it, I also love to sleep when I feel like crying, I feel better. I accept that there is nothing more I can do to change my situation and that things will have to work themselves out. Dah!! you must be thinking but there is a difference between understanding these things and accepting them. I don't know, in my head the rain has stopped, the dark clouds are clearing and the sun is starting to shine yet in my heart, I still feel like crap.