Dark Clouds

I am just from having a dark cloud moment. This is the time when you feel so bad that you can't stop your tears from flowing. It's funny...okay  not funny just weird that when you feel bad about one thing everything else that can make you cry comes to mind. That is why am calling it a dark cloud moment. You feel like there is a dark cloud hovering over you and you can't see the sun...so to speak.

As I was crying my eyes out and feeling so alone in the world there was some twisted voice in my head saying "You know there will come a time when you will forget just how bad you feel right now, right?" and in between mental sobs I was inwardly saying "Shut up!"

It's not like me to cry...hahahaha...I cry, let me rephrase that, it's not like me to cry in front of people. When am feeling so bad that I cannot stop those tears from falling down I really hate it when someone rubs my back, tells me to stop crying, tries to make me feel better, holds me or gives my problems the spotlight. Fine, I like the concern, it just makes me cry more and that's what I hate. Take me to see a movie, buy me junk food, tell me something that you know will get my mind off my problem so that I forget I really want to cry.

For some reason, I have been led to believe that it is nonsense to cry over a bad day, or a dead chicken, failure,disappointment, minor physical pain like cutting myself with a kitchen knife or even just cause I feel emotionally frustrated. The only time it is "okay" for me to cry is at a funeral, and I must really have been close to that person-thank God I haven't yet lost someone like that. And for some reason, I have been led to believe that crying is weakness and weakness is wrong.

Anyway, after crying and sleeping on it, I also love to sleep when I feel like crying, I feel better. I accept that there is nothing more I can do to change my situation and that things will have to work themselves out. Dah!! you must be thinking but there is a difference between understanding these things and accepting them. I don't know, in my head the rain has stopped, the dark clouds are clearing and the sun is starting to shine yet in my heart, I still feel like crap.

EYE CANDY

I close my mouth and try to generate saliva, my mouth feels dry. I have been sleeping in the bus again and I think I have been sleeping with my mouth open...again. God! I wish I could control that (blushing). Anyway, just in time. I look up and see this...this...creation walking out of the bus. Most people will think he is average on the upper side and he is, plus beauty is in the eyes of the beholder but for me he is a sure 9; those broad shoulders, that wide chest, those big strong arms that can't even lay straight on his side and all that leading to a flat belly. ( I have never seen his belly, sob! but I know for a fact that it's flat, no serrated with cubes blush!). At this point am not trying to generate saliva am trying to stop.

Every time he passes by I drift to another world, a savage world where he is playing captor and am the captive.A world where I bend to his will with little or no opposition and if I happened to resist... please!, let me just compare it to seducing fire by placing my naked fingers over it, hoping that it would get helplessly overcome by desire and pull me into it. There is only one other man/boy up to now who has made me feel this way...no..two...yes..two. The first was completely unaware of his mesmerizing power while the other did it completely on purpose. He would have kissed me at that particular moment, in front of a pope, and I swear I would have forgotten the most "holy of men" was standing right beside me.

This is not an amazing feeling...who am I kidding its mind-blowing and if it has a happy ending, am sure it can make you cry. problem is, it is frustrating feeling so strongly about a person who, like Alicia Keys says, doesn't know your name.

I watch him walk of into the distance. Every step heavy, every swing of his body is like he is shoving the wind-strong. I have said so much about his body and not mentioned anything about his face. This is because I do not know how to describe it, but I know if he were to be mine and look at me helplessly with those eyes, I would be speechless and God help me I probably wouldn't understand.

I regard him as a drug that I am better of not experimenting with. He would probably cause me to betray my own body or worse my own country just so that he never looks for another. If he were to reject me I would probably never flirt with a man ever again- I would have deep esteem issues. He is the type of man I would strongly consider taking back 10 minutes after walking in on him with another woman.Normally am sarcastic and quick with the lip service ( my comebacks are ill) but a man who causes me to stutter while I'm talking to him is not my tall glass of wine but my wooden cup of poison.

So am a control freak...wait a minute...I don't think I am. What I like is making sure that the playing ground is even, you have four arrows and a bow and I have the same. If we were to hurt and possibly kill each other at least the fight would be fair. But again I would not mind having the unfair advantage. What? I just really trust myself and am not good at shooting arrows.

I shake off my train of thought and turn to my friend. She had been talking about something and I was just in time to share in the laughter. Acting like I was listening to her the whole time, I smile and we walk out of the bus. A few steps away I turn and look at my muse with a painful tag in my chest. I just know he will forever remain my eye candy, shit!

STEADY HEARTBEAT

           My heart beat is steady. My mind calm as an ocean on a clear day. I can't stop smiling and its like I discovered a secret. I know how it feels to have so much to do (anxiety) and to finish all that you had to do with your best foot forward (languor).

          When I was running around trying to finish this and that my mind felt like a hamster on a wheel, constantly running to get to nowhere. Even as I slept my mind was still on that wheel running circles around the corners of my brain. I tried to think of one thing at a time but there would be very many moments when my mental calendar and to-do list would feel the need to hit the snooze button and remind me of what I have yet to do. 

          On occasion I would wish I were a boy. They know how to prioritize their work and deal with the most urgent without giving a second thought to their other commitments. They simply think 'I'll get to it when I'll get to it' and with that they relax, completely. As for me, in the middle of one assignment I would drift to another. I mean, I could be writing a term paper and in the middle of my thoughts stop, abruptly, and plan my class presentation.

          Other times I would thank my lucky stars that am a girl. If I were to only think of an assignment when am doing it then I would never finish some assignments on time. Just because I have decided to do a certain piece of work at a certain time doesn't mean that all the ideas will flow from my unconscious mind to the front. I would probably move at a go-slow. 

          As the cold water flows and washes the soap away I stop rubbing my body and mentally organize my work. Before swallowing my food after minutes of chewing I think of a master plan. Sometimes my mind comes back from a world of mental discourse to realize that I stopped along the path. This may seem extreme, however, I can't do anything else until a certain chapter is closed. For me to move on to something else I need to be sure that whatever I was doing yesterday is over and done. I worry about this and that until the problem is solved.

         Then when the problem is solved my heart beats steady. My mind calms down like an ocean on a clear day. I don't stop smiling and its like I discovered a secret.