I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Today we had our usual bible group where we come together and share our thoughts, dreams, hopes and troubles; where we seek guidance, enlightenment and encouragement from our peers. It is a stupid concept. The school started it and “encourages” us to join and participate. In the spirit of truth telling, they force us to go because if it was up to me, I wouldn’t go. Don’t get me wrong I do believe in Christ and stuff but these groups just aren’t for me.

Today we talked about our future dreams and it seemed like everyone had all these profound dreams and goals. I don’t have a future goal. I do think a lot about my future but nothing really jumps out at me and I said so. I could tell everyone was worried for me. I want to be successful and that is it. I am not sure if there is anything that quite grabs my attention.

When I was a child I wanted to be a lawyer but I don’t know why. Maybe it is because everyone thought that law, medicine, engineering and media were professions and that everything else wasn’t. Ask every form four student what they want to be in future, they will tell you a doctor, for the very ambitious students a neurosurgeon, an engineer, a musician, and architect or whatever else they say. I finished school not knowing what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. My father was very upset when he asked me what I wanted to be and I said I don’t know. For a second there, I thought I was going to get a severe beating. I told him that I would like to be exposed to a lot of stuff so that I can decide what it is I want. That discussion is kinda blurry at the moment because I switched off at the beginning of that day’s lecture. I remember saying that I like writing so that I could get him off my back.

            Everyone says that you just have to think back to what you liked doing when you were a child. I liked cooking, home making, fashion and being in charge. Oh, yes! I am a girly girl believe it or not. Deep down inside there is a little girl struggling to get out. I just tell that little brat to shut up. I like cooking but am not sure I want to cook for the rest of my life at work and at home. I cook now, at home and I can’t even enjoy my own food when it’s put on the table. I get bored with it so that option is out. Home making, I will get plenty of time to do this when I start to raise my family so as a career, I don’t think so. As for fashion, I don’t know, I like figuring out fashion for myself but not for the world. I don’t have a world vision in that sector. I can be in charge anywhere but the question is where.

My hobbies? I like writing but am not sure if this is because it is a way I can express my frustration, explore my thoughts and feelings and talk to someone without talking to someone. I also like music but I really don’t think God wants me to be a singer. I appreciate music for the art that it is but I don’t think it was made for me. I loved dancing growing up but somehow I was led to believe that it is not a career. Even now am not sure I would have wanted to make it a career. I liked sports but it was a lot of work and I’m not sure if gym shorts are my desired career fashion. Everything is a lot of work, you may be thinking and I know this. But precisely because everything is a lot of work I have to decide exactly what I wish to immerse myself in fully before I dive into the work load.

I want to work in a place where I dominate. I want to be good at what I do and I know you get this by practicing but I also want to enjoy doing what I will be doing. I don’t want it to be my hobby but I really want to enjoy it as a career. I want a place with just enough pressure. Not too much because I don’t think that I can handle a lot of pressure and not too little because I want to be stimulated. I also don’t want to have too much work such that it takes over my life but again I don’t want to have too little work. I want to be in charge in what I am doing, to be fulfilled in my work and to help people without coming out as mother Teresa. I want work that was designed for me by God yet I don’t know what that is.

I don’t know what I want to be in future and it may, may not be okay I just hope that it comes to me soon.