YOU ARE MY BIGGEST REGRET

Dear A,

It has been a while since we last met, almost five years. I haven't forgotten you and its not because I didn't try. Your memory follows me around like a ghost. I really can't say that I remember you. I'm not that good at remembering faces or names. Your face, to me, is a blur but your name has never been foreign to my lips. Truth be told, I probably don't remember your face because I was too busy trying to hide my flushed cheeks and untamed smile from you. I probably can describe the ground I drew maps on better than the back of my hand. I never told you this, I couldn't but you moved me.

Occasionally I pass-by the place where we first met. I look at the table we sat on talking. It seems like a life time ago. My flashback is like an old film, tender of a man that made me feel so beautiful inside. A single day of bliss that I can't seem to forget. I remember how we walked round in circles talking about God knows what. It didn't matter then what we talked about and it doesn't matter now. Sometimes I just wish I could remember some parts of our conversation. I think that it would give depth to my memories. I never told you this, I couldn't but in that short time I did see my life with you.

I pushed you away. I just wasn't ready to love you but most importantly I wasn't ready to have you love me. I was so scared then of everything, of everyone. I was particularly scared of the fact that I could trust you. I have trust issues sometimes...all the time. I remember when you looked for me again to try to get me to let you in. I was shocked. I could have never seen it coming; you coming to look for me. I had already started to forget you until I saw you again. You told me that you left your sister at home, all alone so that you could come looking for me. You touched my heart then proceeded to break it. I wish you hadn't come because all you did was make sure I don't forget you and what for, just so that you could get my number and get to know me. I never told you this, I couldn't but around you I could feel my heart skip several beats.

There was a time I could have sworn that I smelt your cologne near me. It was for a brief second and then it was gone. I thought I was losing my mind. I would have preferred it, if only I could smell your cologne once again. By the way, there was no way I smelt your cologne. Where I was there wasn't even a man around for me to say, it must be him. I was all alone in open space and I would have bet my life that I know what my sense of smell picked up. Yes, what a very cruel joke my mind was playing on me. I thought of you for the rest of that day. I never told you this, I couldn't but I tore up your letter that had your phone number and forced myself never to look back, am sorry.

I let fear hold me back from you masked very skillfully to appear as pride. I wasn't proud then, please believe me. I'm sorry I made you believe a lie. I had to...or so I thought. How could I have been such a coward so as to let you go. Five years down the line and I still remember you. I wish I didn't. There are few men in my life that I remember tenderly, probably five and you are one of them. In my dreams several times I right my wrongs. I hope that our paths are destined to cross again but only if there are good things in store for us because if not I never want to see you again. You probably don't remember me or what you felt for me. They say that young people really don't love. I don't know and it doesn't matter. I never will tell you this, I can't but letting you go was my biggest regret.

Yours sincerely,

Me.