One day you will let go. One day I will be free and I can’t wait for that day. It is said in Criminology that if you spend so much time with your attacker you develop feelings for them. They become human. This is true, you get used to a certain lifestyle that you fear better. My heart just skipped a beat. It’s the thought of freedom. I hope you know that I have no intentions of returning. Like a bird I will fly away and never look back.
You always gave me less than you should and I guess I got used to it, made me feel like this was it, that there could not possibly be more. It would have worked if we lived in isolation. You should know that now am unable to want more from someone else. I will love myself more, more than you taught me how. I hate you; I hate you so much that I have reserved a spot in my heart for just that purpose.
I lie in bed and listen to the echoes of my thoughts; I listen to the trail of sound they leave behind and I get so irritated and bored that my heart turns to ice. It reminds me of you. I lie here and wish I was dead, thing is I don’t want to die just be someone else. I want to live someone else life. In my head I try to think that all I feel will go away once you go away. Then it hits me that am saying that to make myself feel better. The sad part is that it does. Sometimes I feel like am in a prison of my own creating but I didn’t ask for this, any of it.
Today one has an added advantage if they are well informed in current events. I cannot think of the world’s problems. It depresses me. Makes my problems seem bigger, and that there is even less hope in the world. I admire the people who can listen to bad news and go on like there is nothing wrong. I wish I was like them.
Do you know what I am thinking? Do you want to know? I want you to know. I am thinking that it would be nice if I could just wake up in the morning on one of the many bad days I have been married to you and take a trip to a place I have never seen; an adventure, or go to a place that makes me happy; escape for a day and come back fresh and relaxed, okay and never come back. I wish I had a cocoon of my own to hide in to say the least.
My God! I feel so much better. I had no clue that talking had such a positive effect. If I knew that holding you at gun point and forcing you to shut up and listen to how you make me feel would make me feel so much better I would have bought a gun a long time ago.
The cops are waiting outside. They will take me to jail if not a psychiatric ward. I will carry your ghost with me everyday for the rest of my life but it will all be worth it. This expression on your face of fear and disillusion is worth everything that will happen to me. Now you know how I felt everyday for 15 years living with you.
Its funny I have never cared about what you are thinking because I have always assumed it to be evil but now, now I wish I knew what was going on in that thick skull of yours. I hope you are making peace with God so that he can at least think twice about sending you to hell but you know you are going to hell, right? I want you to know that this hurts me more than it hurts you. By killing you am giving in to my own darkness. I heard that death is scarier when you see it coming right at you.
It’s time. Don’t close your eyes. I don’t want you to miss this
Damaged Woman.
