FUTILE WAR AGAINST AGE

I don't know but I honestly think when we are born we, at that very tender age, think that we will never get old. We suckle on our mothers breasts thinking that this is it, all that life has to offer. To tell you the truth, it never is a sour deal. She runs about worrying and stuff while we just lay back and feed and sleep and when we want something, cry.

When we are at the age of terrible two's there is only one thing on our very young minds; 'Can I play all day everyday forever?' This goes on like until we are 12 years old. If you never knew it, am telling you that those were the best days of your life. You will never, ever experience such reckless abandon like that again. You didn't realize it then because you had no other experience to compare it to, but now you do. Don't you? And you begin to realize that, that right there was the life. You didn't know much about the world and how it can be such a terrible place to live in. Ignorance is bliss, isn't it?

At 13 years of age all teenagers eat the forbidden fruit of the garden of Eden and realize that they were naked. You cover up your so called imperfections and develop a shyness. Everything in the world and everyone all of a sudden becomes very intimidating. You find it hard to look anyone in the eye. Hell, you find it hard to look your self in the eye. Ladies and gentlemen you better recognize this stage in your lives because this is when it all goes down, down, down, down- u know like that old song; moving way too fast or much too slow ohohoh. Sorry, I was lost when I started saying down hihi. From this stage it is just a treacherous journey to hell and back and to hell again and back. You think you are grown up and you know all there is to know about life and whatever you don't you think that you will just figure it out. But you aren't grown up, are you? And you have no idea what the hell you are doing and where you are going, do you? You never realize this until you are all grown up and living with the foolish, foolish mistakes that you already made.

The thing is, from age 13 you think that you will never end up like your parents. You have all this energy to take on the world and all its conditioned ways. I guess that is why they call it youthful energy. You take the world head on and fight hard and fearlessly but the world has been here longer and it is very resilient. You don't even notice that you have began to get tired. You are still drunk on that youthful energy and to you every blow is just a minor set back and you will be on your feet in no time and you probably are. I'll tell you a secret I know you hadn't yet figured out. That blow that you thought was just a minor set back was busy chipping away at your youthful energy and the frequency of those blows will eventually wear you down.

By the time you dive into the job market, you are tired. Those conditioned ways of the world that you thought made your parents zombies begin to make sense to you and for some unknown reason they begin to appeal to you. Life is so hard and such a tiresome and draining experience that you begin to accept the ways of the world. You hate yourself for folding but you are tired and all you want is for the good life to start and for the hardships to end. By the time you get married, my friend, you would have completely lost the war to age. If it makes you feel any better those that went before you lost that same battle and those behind you are doomed to that same fate.

I remeber you

I remember the first day I met you. Not the details but I remember meeting you. I remember talking to you and liking you. I remember not wanting the day to end, not wanting to say goodbye, not wanting to leave you. I just wanted you to know that I remember.

When I reminisce about those times I realize that I may have given you the wrong impression. I realize that I may have made you feel like you meant nothing to me; like you were nothing more than a passing fancy. You were a fancy, that I assure you but you did not pass. I just wanted you to know that.

The reason why I remember you is because I guess you left a lasting impression. Never have I remembered a dude's full names like this before or how he looked. There are always things I end up forgetting. Not because I want to but...I don't know. My brother calls it selective memory.

I remember never wanting to hurt you. I would have liked to have protected you...from pain I guess or...I don't know...you just made me feel this way. You made me feel like a woman; kind, calm, tender, sensitive, and protective. I just wanted you to know how much emotions you evoked in me. I know I said nothing, showed nothing and did nothing but I need you to know that I did not feel nothing; not for you anyway.

I want you to know that when I think of you I am overcome by guilt. You made me feel like a bad person. When you did all you could to reach out to me and all I did was turn away. When you showed me your heart and I just closed my eyes. I remember when you sent your friend to look for me so that when he found me you could call and we could talk on the phone. Do you remember? Well, I remember, I have never been able to forget. It's the source of my guilt. That one memory makes me feel so bad inside that I want to forget. I had so much nothing to do that I did not give you the time of day. It wasn't you, the problem, it's me. I was going through stuff and I felt like I had nothing to offer you. And when I feel inadequate I shut down. When you wrote to me that you get that I don't like you the way you like me well, I hated myself for being in that position. It wasn't that I did not like you, it's just that I...like I said, was going through...stuff.

I don't know what I miss from you. I don't know if it was the attention you gave me or the love you felt for me, if indeed that was what you felt or was it that one moment that we spoke. That one conversation that made me wish we were somewhere else so that we could waste the day wraped in each others lives. Perhaps it was the feelings I felt from that one conversation; the feeling of being calm and tender and wanting you to take care and protect me. Maybe I don't miss you at all, maybe it's the guilt that makes me think that I miss you. I really don't know exactly what this is. I just know that sometimes I miss you and alot of times I think of you and how life could have been had I not let you go.

I just wanted...needed you to know that I remember you, that I have never forgotten and that I doubt I will ever forget you.