You are fuckin' perfect to me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k

When I was a child, one of my aunties told me that I was going to grow up to be a very beautiful girl, that she could see it. I can't tell you if she meant it or not but I can tell you then is when I started to love myself. It isn't that I didn't love myself before but I hadn't thought of myself like that. Back then I was a tomboy and I really didn't give a hoot. After that comment I started thinking of myself as beautiful, then I started seeing what she was talking about :-). My head also grew several inches larger at around that period but that's beside the point.

So growing up I thought I was beautiful but I also thought that there were some people more beautiful than me. My mother in her desire to ground me affirmed for me that INDEED there were people more beautiful than me (incase that realization had passed me). I thought she was simply evil to do everything in her power to remove me from my cloud. By teenagehood I had this love-hate relationship with myself. I swear, honest to God, there were days I grew more beautiful in the night, honest and there were some days...well my beauty regressed.

I had to learn so many lessons about beauty-bitter/sweet-which helped me be the person I am today. Like yes, there are women more prettier than me and there always will be. The world is designed in such a way that you will always have competition in everything you do...everything! You can hate the fact that you will never be the best all the time or you can do what I have decided to do, enjoy it when it is my turn and accept it when it's over.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Wait...listen...cliché or not it really is. It sounds so common knowledge but it is a very valid lesson that everyone needs to know, like really internalize. Think about it, there are men you think are handsome and others you don't. Hey, it's funny how sometimes the guys you think aren't all that are the ones your friends find irresistible. I do everything in my power to try and support my friends except agree with them that that guy is a looker. So when you ask me if that dude is hot and I say, "Well it depends on whose eyes we are using." Leave it alone.

Beauty isn't perfection. Okay, sometimes it is but other times beauty is in imperfections. You can have a croocked nose and it still works. Why else would someone tell you that,"I think you are beautiful but you would look even better if you had a nose job." The fact that they think you are beautiful with that nose is a sign that it works. We all wish we could change ourselves because we have been brain washed into thinking that beauty looks a certain way. If we all had money we would have had surgery. Okay, let me be honest, It isn't the money that is holding me back, it's the image of Jocyln Wildenstein (google her). She is the best example to accept what God gave you.

People think you are beautiful when you think you are beautiful. So think you are beautiful. I always try to think am something even when I feel horrible. However, my secret is to avoid hanging around exceptionally beautiful girls because of reasons I have given on this blog.

The biggest lesson I think that I have learnt that is the most important is that BEAUTY DOESN'T MATTER. I mean; you look the same whether you feel beautiful or not, men still hit on you whether you do everything in your power to impress them or not and life still moves on-you will eat, sleep, laugh, cry, succeed or fail. Besides, in Kenya most ugly chics are either married or successful.

I stopped caring about how I look or rather I stopped caring about how I looked to other people. Life is so much easier when you have no one to impress and am all about making life easier. Besides am fuckin' perfect to me.

Just not that into you...

"Hi L, what's up?"

"Hi, am good, you?" Avoiding eye contact. Looking to my right then my left. Stretching. Trying to appear bored with life or tired. Fidgeting with my phone-sending an imaginary message.Fake smile. "So are you good, exams ziko karibu, are you ready?" Briefly maintaining eye contact. Trying to look interested in the answer.

"Argh! I hate exams lakini niko poa. You are always busy when I see you, sometime you should slow down."

"Mmh." fake smile (no teeth). "I'll try."

"You know I like you." Trying to look deep into my eyes.

Fake smile, "Ai!! lets not start this." Looking away. "Aren't you tired of telling me stuff like that." Looking at him seriously. Raising my right eyebrow.

"No, and I will keep saying it until you accept. Si you give a man a chance? I"ll keep saying it. All am asking for is a chance to be with you."

"Ai!!" Pretending to lenga that vibe, no, actually lengaring that vibe. I look at this man standing before me and wonder if he thinks am a fool or that I live in a tunnel and don't know that he has an on and off girlfriend. 

"Hauna kazi ya kufanya?"

"Niko nayo lakini si mob."

"Mmh." I have a lot of work (lie) I don't even know if I will ever finish (exaggeration). "Si you go so that I can work." He throws me an annoyed look. "Don't look at me like that, you know that I won't do anything if I let you stay here with me." Mentally, rolling my eyes. "Enda," pretending to be playful.

As I watch this man...boy walking away I think to myself, 'God I wish I never met you...at all.' He probably is a good guy...(i really don't think so) but he isn't my type. I can't even imagine myself his woman, no, really, I can't fathom that image. There are men you are attracted to and are bad for you, and there are those who you aren't attracted to but given the chance you can see yourself with them and there are those who you aren't attracted to and can't imagine yourself with. I can imagine him a friend...a long distance friend.

I busy myself trying to minimize the immense irritation that he makes me feel. Guys have that annoying habit; shooting their arrows without a bulls eye. It's so freaking annoying. Think of it, so what if things work out, what if the girl ends up liking you and wanting to see where it goes, what then? If I liked a guy and it turns out he was just holding his arms out hoping to catch something...anything and then I landed and he acts like that was the plan, I'll ditch him. As I picture this scenario, am thinking of another dude in place of this guy because it can never be a dream let alone reality.

Don't think am ready to meet my past

Every time I log on to facebook, I look at my notifications then my messages and lastly my friend requests and that is if I decide to look at those requests. It isn't that am trying to pull off an attitude or that I feel that most of them are just suitors :-) or even that am this anti-social bitch, its just that it never draws that much of my interest. 

So today I decide to look at them. Top of the list is the name of a girl that I used to be friends with when I was in class four, five and six, not an extra year earlier or later. Shock, excitement, quickly accept that friend request and begin to type out my message to her, nothing fancy just the usual "ooh, my God!!!! it's been too long ghai!! How are you? Maisha? We should catch up sometime." Before I click on the send button some crappy feeling sweeps all over me. 

She was my best friend of that time. I should want to catch up with her and I feel like there is a very big part of me that wants to catch up with her but I also feel a depressed realization that our friendship is of another time. I was in high school with a chic I was very close to in class three. We remembered each other, not vaguely but like it was yesterday we were roaming around school looking for mischief but we could not even sustain a good quality conversation. We had grown in separate directions. So am sitting here contemplating sending my class four, five, six best friend this mail to establish connection and try to rekindle something and for some reason I feel like my mind is holding on to my hand. I don't know what to do for a few minutes but then I decide not to.

I don't like the feeling of the realization that time has passed. In your body, you don't feel like time has passed or rather I don't feel it. Occasionally my mind registers that time is moving and years are passing. That my being is evolving, growing, maturing and my thinking is changing but most of the time we only realize time has flown when we come face to face with our past. I didn't feel it when my breasts were growing. I just woke up one morning and realized that i had a full chest. Hihihi, sorry it's just that my ladies aren't that big saying full chest tickles me. Don't get me wrong, I have breasts its just the line "lucky my breasts are small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains" by Shakira-Whenever, Wherever comes to mind when I think of them.

I am sure I have said it before, that I don't like change but mostly I don't like realizing that things are changing or that they have changed. I like to think of it as just adapting to new things. I know what you are thinking, "yeah big difference" but believe it or not there is a difference because the way I see it, its like am taking life a day at a time and everything  I do is just to gratify the needs of the day.

If she sends me mail wanting to catch up i won't turn it down. I just don't think it will be me doing the reaching out.

A bunch of keys

What is it with people and carrying a bunch of keys that have absolutely no use? I know carrying a key holder with only one key is kinda…odd but a big bunch of keys is unsightly. How does it feel holding a bunch of keys that weigh as much as a quarter kg of potatoes? Besides only older people carry keys like that.

I have a problem with clutter. I can’t stand crowded, confused spaces or things. I know how easy it is to end up with a bunch of keys but I also know how easy it is to end up with a handbag full of garbage and how to empty it. Women have a way of emptying their handbags. We do it over the weekend or on a good day in the morning before we leave the house.

Maybe it’s just me and for some reason I feel like it’s just me but there is no way you would catch me with anything that would feel heavier than my phone. If it was possible I would carry my house in my handbag and it would still feel like am carrying nothing. Things you need in the quantity that you need it.

I have a bunch of keys believe it or not and not all the keys are in use. I feel like am practicing double stands right at this moment and I sense judgment creeping in the shadows *cringe*. The reason why I complain is because my keys can comfortably fit in my pocket without altering my walking style. I hardly notice them because it is such a small bunch. Believe me, if that bunch increased to the point where I know am not carrying my keys because things feel a little lighter I will clean house.

My table always has only what it needs so does my closet, wow, so does my phone book. I would never have more than what I need and if ever you caught me with a cluttered anything, know that the day for general cleaning is fast approaching.

I can’t work in cluttered spaces. If it was possible I would arrange anything and everything but because of some minor…sawa major reasons namely stigma, abuse and laziness I control my obsessive, compulsive disorder to only organizing and cleaning things that affect my life. P.S. Men not included, I treat them like the keys that I no loner use, because they don’t work for me any more I throw them out. P.S.S. am not a man basher, am just saying.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Today we had our usual bible group where we come together and share our thoughts, dreams, hopes and troubles; where we seek guidance, enlightenment and encouragement from our peers. It is a stupid concept. The school started it and “encourages” us to join and participate. In the spirit of truth telling, they force us to go because if it was up to me, I wouldn’t go. Don’t get me wrong I do believe in Christ and stuff but these groups just aren’t for me.

Today we talked about our future dreams and it seemed like everyone had all these profound dreams and goals. I don’t have a future goal. I do think a lot about my future but nothing really jumps out at me and I said so. I could tell everyone was worried for me. I want to be successful and that is it. I am not sure if there is anything that quite grabs my attention.

When I was a child I wanted to be a lawyer but I don’t know why. Maybe it is because everyone thought that law, medicine, engineering and media were professions and that everything else wasn’t. Ask every form four student what they want to be in future, they will tell you a doctor, for the very ambitious students a neurosurgeon, an engineer, a musician, and architect or whatever else they say. I finished school not knowing what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. My father was very upset when he asked me what I wanted to be and I said I don’t know. For a second there, I thought I was going to get a severe beating. I told him that I would like to be exposed to a lot of stuff so that I can decide what it is I want. That discussion is kinda blurry at the moment because I switched off at the beginning of that day’s lecture. I remember saying that I like writing so that I could get him off my back.

            Everyone says that you just have to think back to what you liked doing when you were a child. I liked cooking, home making, fashion and being in charge. Oh, yes! I am a girly girl believe it or not. Deep down inside there is a little girl struggling to get out. I just tell that little brat to shut up. I like cooking but am not sure I want to cook for the rest of my life at work and at home. I cook now, at home and I can’t even enjoy my own food when it’s put on the table. I get bored with it so that option is out. Home making, I will get plenty of time to do this when I start to raise my family so as a career, I don’t think so. As for fashion, I don’t know, I like figuring out fashion for myself but not for the world. I don’t have a world vision in that sector. I can be in charge anywhere but the question is where.

My hobbies? I like writing but am not sure if this is because it is a way I can express my frustration, explore my thoughts and feelings and talk to someone without talking to someone. I also like music but I really don’t think God wants me to be a singer. I appreciate music for the art that it is but I don’t think it was made for me. I loved dancing growing up but somehow I was led to believe that it is not a career. Even now am not sure I would have wanted to make it a career. I liked sports but it was a lot of work and I’m not sure if gym shorts are my desired career fashion. Everything is a lot of work, you may be thinking and I know this. But precisely because everything is a lot of work I have to decide exactly what I wish to immerse myself in fully before I dive into the work load.

I want to work in a place where I dominate. I want to be good at what I do and I know you get this by practicing but I also want to enjoy doing what I will be doing. I don’t want it to be my hobby but I really want to enjoy it as a career. I want a place with just enough pressure. Not too much because I don’t think that I can handle a lot of pressure and not too little because I want to be stimulated. I also don’t want to have too much work such that it takes over my life but again I don’t want to have too little work. I want to be in charge in what I am doing, to be fulfilled in my work and to help people without coming out as mother Teresa. I want work that was designed for me by God yet I don’t know what that is.

I don’t know what I want to be in future and it may, may not be okay I just hope that it comes to me soon.

THINGS ABOUT ME AM SURE YOU DON'T KNOW

1.  I always want to bust into dance on the streets when I am wearing my earphones...almost, always (^_^).
2. I lie about my feelings almost all the time. "I'm fine" was the first phrase I learned growing up.
3. I love to eat. Sometimes, some people make me feel guilty for having a healthy appetite. Yeah, I said it, healthy.
4. I can be very conservative (^_^)...hihi.
5. I sometimes feel like I should be someone else. It's like the person in the mirror and the person that I feel I am are two different people.
6. I LOVE PINK. The musician not the color.
7. I sometimes am paranoid. I can almost swear I see things in the dark...almost. (^_^).
8. I hate the rain but I love the smell of wet soil.
9. The weather affects my mood; when it is sunny most likely I will be happy and when it rains, most likely I will be sad.
10. My intuitions are almost never wrong and I can almost always know when someone is lying to me.
11. I almost always mean what I say and say what I mean.
12. I secretly am self-centered.
13. It is hard for me to stay in touch with people.
14. I have always secretly wished I was a boy. I think I would be good at it too.
15. I wish I was the first born.
16.  If I were a celebrity, I probably would be a bitch.
17. I cry more often than people think I do.
18. I don't hate sports...okay, I hate sports.
19. I'm a scaredy cat, no, really even the sound of a cow mooing in the dark will cause me to run at break-neck speed.
20. I was an assassin or amazon woman or goddess in another life.

PARALYSIS

No, am not paralyzed. Wait? I am paralyzed but not physically but mentally with fear. It got me so good that I must say that I respect its influence over my life. I do not have an award for it but a fear-striken standing ovation should do the trick and not the male standing ovation which of course I cannot do unless am a hermaphrodite-and I ain't.

I wonder how hermaphrodites feel, especially when they are aroused. Do both organs address the source of arousal at the same time or one at a time or it depends on whether they are aroused by a man or a woman? Whaaat? don't read this paragraph with that surprised-chic-you-are-weird look, I know you also wonder how they survive.

I am way off topic. Back to what I originally wanted to say...yes...fear. The reason why I'm talking about this is because am in my fourth year of uni and I know somewhere in my heart that I should be excited and somewhere in my heart I am but mostly what I feel is paralyzing fear. This isn't the first time I'm feeling this way. I have felt this way most of my life. My excuse is that life is designed in such a way that someone feels like they are moving from one stage to another with no way of backtracking. Its like a plane ticket to another foreign country with no return ticket, ever. This fear causes me to lag behind most of the time in my life but somehow it (fear) has made me feel like it is necessary for me to let others go ahead and I follow behind at my own pace; which is a painful crawl.

I know that it is fear that is paralyzing me because the symptoms are the same: butterflies in my stomach, mild depression, sudden silence, home sickness, hatred for what am feeling and an overwhelming need to scream from the top of my lungs. It is the same symptoms every time, never changes. It is the hopeless, annoying weak feeling you get when you are actually ill, at least for me it is. 

It would be nice to never ever feel fear but for that you will have to be ignorant or not scared. Think about it, people normally appear courageous because of two reasons:-

1.Either they have no idea what they are getting themselves into like when you were little and your father threw you up into the air and caught you in his arms. You were happy because he never let you fall; intentionally or accidentally so you did not know that gravity could actually pull you all the way to the ground with a very big thud. 

2.Or they know what they are getting themselves into and they realize that the consequences of failure is not that bad like when you stand up to talk in front of people and you end up doing something embarrassing and everyone laughs at you then you realize that it wasn't so bad. You realize that people laugh and forget. 

When I began writing this, I thought the topic was valid. Time passed and my writing was interrupted and I forgot all the emotions behind the reason for this post. Now I think that the whole point was that I get scared a lot about change and that I should constantly remind myself that the consequences of failure are normally not that bad...most of the time.

MY LIFE ACCORDING TO PINK

MA CUPS ½ FULL

I WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A HIGHER POWER.

I would like to believe that there is a higher power. Someone who can see my future and my past and whisper into my ear what I should do in my present so as to prepare for my future and not repeat my past. When I was in high school, my father told me to take business studies and my mother told me to take home science. I liked both subjects but I ended up taking business studies. I regret. I got a C final grade which to me I really worked for. At the beginning I wish someone told me that I wasn't any good in business. They would have  saved me a lot of self doubt. At the beginning I also wish someone would have told me that I would have no use for the subject because the knowledge is just withering away in my head. Now, I can hardly remember whatever it is I learned. Home science is like art, you learn skills that you can do for fun and find a way to earn some money from it, so yes, I wish I chose home science. But you know business studies sounds like medicine against teaching-home science.

There are so many things out of my control that it would be nice to know that someone/something out there has all the control and power that I have been denied and that they are working in my favor. I hate not knowing what is coming next and I hate the powerless feeling of knowing that there is really nothing that I can do to help myself in some situations.

There are so many times in my life when I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and it is so comforting to think that as I walk on this earth chancing there is someone up in the clouds making sure am chancing on the right path.

It is funny though how the world was built. You come into the world with nothing, then you spend half of you life learning life skills and the other half trying to understand them, applying them and enjoying the fruits of your labor at the same time, then you die and take with you almost all of your experiences, then another child is born and they start all over again.

I particularly wish that there is a God when it comes to relationships between men and women. I can mess up with friendship because it does not phase me much. But when it comes to picking someone to spend the rest of my life with, there is just so much pressure. I can end up finding myself spending the rest of my life being friends with someone and still there would not be as much pressure as a spouse.

I am surrounded by sad, depressing, shocking stories of relationships gone sour and I just fear. I feel as though, if life is really short then we have no time for bad experiences. Besides as you come together the world tries to tear you guys apart now if you are trying to tear each other apart how are you meant to survive?

My main problem is that I find it hard to plan for my future in this sector. I comfort myself by saying that God is planing for me and that he is so flexible that if I don't like what he plans I can tell Him and He will change it. That is what helps me sleep at night.

YOU ARE MY BIGGEST REGRET

Dear A,

It has been a while since we last met, almost five years. I haven't forgotten you and its not because I didn't try. Your memory follows me around like a ghost. I really can't say that I remember you. I'm not that good at remembering faces or names. Your face, to me, is a blur but your name has never been foreign to my lips. Truth be told, I probably don't remember your face because I was too busy trying to hide my flushed cheeks and untamed smile from you. I probably can describe the ground I drew maps on better than the back of my hand. I never told you this, I couldn't but you moved me.

Occasionally I pass-by the place where we first met. I look at the table we sat on talking. It seems like a life time ago. My flashback is like an old film, tender of a man that made me feel so beautiful inside. A single day of bliss that I can't seem to forget. I remember how we walked round in circles talking about God knows what. It didn't matter then what we talked about and it doesn't matter now. Sometimes I just wish I could remember some parts of our conversation. I think that it would give depth to my memories. I never told you this, I couldn't but in that short time I did see my life with you.

I pushed you away. I just wasn't ready to love you but most importantly I wasn't ready to have you love me. I was so scared then of everything, of everyone. I was particularly scared of the fact that I could trust you. I have trust issues sometimes...all the time. I remember when you looked for me again to try to get me to let you in. I was shocked. I could have never seen it coming; you coming to look for me. I had already started to forget you until I saw you again. You told me that you left your sister at home, all alone so that you could come looking for me. You touched my heart then proceeded to break it. I wish you hadn't come because all you did was make sure I don't forget you and what for, just so that you could get my number and get to know me. I never told you this, I couldn't but around you I could feel my heart skip several beats.

There was a time I could have sworn that I smelt your cologne near me. It was for a brief second and then it was gone. I thought I was losing my mind. I would have preferred it, if only I could smell your cologne once again. By the way, there was no way I smelt your cologne. Where I was there wasn't even a man around for me to say, it must be him. I was all alone in open space and I would have bet my life that I know what my sense of smell picked up. Yes, what a very cruel joke my mind was playing on me. I thought of you for the rest of that day. I never told you this, I couldn't but I tore up your letter that had your phone number and forced myself never to look back, am sorry.

I let fear hold me back from you masked very skillfully to appear as pride. I wasn't proud then, please believe me. I'm sorry I made you believe a lie. I had to...or so I thought. How could I have been such a coward so as to let you go. Five years down the line and I still remember you. I wish I didn't. There are few men in my life that I remember tenderly, probably five and you are one of them. In my dreams several times I right my wrongs. I hope that our paths are destined to cross again but only if there are good things in store for us because if not I never want to see you again. You probably don't remember me or what you felt for me. They say that young people really don't love. I don't know and it doesn't matter. I never will tell you this, I can't but letting you go was my biggest regret.

Yours sincerely,

Me.

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN-I HATE YOU

Damn beautiful women. Damn them all. I hate the way they are just so beautiful, picture perfect. They are paradoxically depressing and a joy to look at. I hate them all with their flawless faces; uninvaded by pimples, blackheads and dry skin. Screw them all. How is it that some of them don't even drink that much water and end up with perfectly moist-looking skin? It's so bloody unfair.

Do you know what I hate the most? It is how they look good without make up.We all look good with make up, what!! The person who created make up, God bless your ass a million folds and your generations. You can make any woman look good with make up. I swear, it's true. I would stake my life on this claim. If there is a woman alive who cannot be made beautiful even with make up...I don't know...pole sana (very sorry).

Back to beautiful women. There is a way they make you feel so inferior it's almost like an art from hell. You could be having one of those days where I swear it's like you grew beautiful in the middle of the night and you are walking around feeling it; smile from one corner of your lips to the other. Then you run into Mrs. Beautiful and suddenly you feel like a cactus next to a rose flower. Your mood, gone with the wind and so with most of the attention around you. These are the women we are meant to believe are the muse for the writting of poems and love songs.

Have you ever realized that if your man ever left you for someone you think is not as hot as you, you would tell him that he has dropped the ball. To you, he would be the most insane man alive to ever let his eyes wonder from you to...that. You wouldn't even blame the girl, the problem would clearly have been the man's. But if your man left you for another woman more beautiful than you, you would be bitter. You would even find it hard to fight for him, I mean you would understand what he saw in that girl. Now you would have a problem with the girl. She would be the one who seduced your husband/boyfriend-whatever. Most often you would have said or at least thought "you could have gotten any man you want, why did it have to be my man?"

If you liked a dude and so did Mrs.Beautiful, I can almost guarantee that you would never chase after him. He would have to confirm to you that he likes you, other than that only fools, extremely arrogant girls or hopeless romantics would take the chance of pouring their hearts out to their crush.

You know how we complain of how most beautiful girls are self-absorbed, rude, arrogant, bitchy? Trust me we want them like that, because then we have an excuse to ask someone why they like her. Can you imagine a beautiful girl with a kind heart and on top of that she has swag and is interesting? No, I can't because it hurts too much to think about such a competition-my head, it hurts my head and my self esteem as well.

Sigh! I think I have gotten all of that frustration off my chest. I was sitting at a table across one; an extremely beautiful girl and I hated every minute of it yet I had to remind myself not to stare. It's rude and wierd-to stare I mean. I'm guessing this is how men feel comparing their achievements with a well built, handsome, rich man. I feel you, damn those perfect dudes. Damn them all. For you guys ofcourse, for me...wow!!!!