PARALYSIS

No, am not paralyzed. Wait? I am paralyzed but not physically but mentally with fear. It got me so good that I must say that I respect its influence over my life. I do not have an award for it but a fear-striken standing ovation should do the trick and not the male standing ovation which of course I cannot do unless am a hermaphrodite-and I ain't.

I wonder how hermaphrodites feel, especially when they are aroused. Do both organs address the source of arousal at the same time or one at a time or it depends on whether they are aroused by a man or a woman? Whaaat? don't read this paragraph with that surprised-chic-you-are-weird look, I know you also wonder how they survive.

I am way off topic. Back to what I originally wanted to say...yes...fear. The reason why I'm talking about this is because am in my fourth year of uni and I know somewhere in my heart that I should be excited and somewhere in my heart I am but mostly what I feel is paralyzing fear. This isn't the first time I'm feeling this way. I have felt this way most of my life. My excuse is that life is designed in such a way that someone feels like they are moving from one stage to another with no way of backtracking. Its like a plane ticket to another foreign country with no return ticket, ever. This fear causes me to lag behind most of the time in my life but somehow it (fear) has made me feel like it is necessary for me to let others go ahead and I follow behind at my own pace; which is a painful crawl.

I know that it is fear that is paralyzing me because the symptoms are the same: butterflies in my stomach, mild depression, sudden silence, home sickness, hatred for what am feeling and an overwhelming need to scream from the top of my lungs. It is the same symptoms every time, never changes. It is the hopeless, annoying weak feeling you get when you are actually ill, at least for me it is. 

It would be nice to never ever feel fear but for that you will have to be ignorant or not scared. Think about it, people normally appear courageous because of two reasons:-

1.Either they have no idea what they are getting themselves into like when you were little and your father threw you up into the air and caught you in his arms. You were happy because he never let you fall; intentionally or accidentally so you did not know that gravity could actually pull you all the way to the ground with a very big thud. 

2.Or they know what they are getting themselves into and they realize that the consequences of failure is not that bad like when you stand up to talk in front of people and you end up doing something embarrassing and everyone laughs at you then you realize that it wasn't so bad. You realize that people laugh and forget. 

When I began writing this, I thought the topic was valid. Time passed and my writing was interrupted and I forgot all the emotions behind the reason for this post. Now I think that the whole point was that I get scared a lot about change and that I should constantly remind myself that the consequences of failure are normally not that bad...most of the time.