DOUBLE STANDARDS

People partying
Image from insidenairobi.xemzi.com

Every time I read about the comments men make about how women dress for a night out I feel judgement oozing through the words. They talk about red lipstick and short figure hugging outfits complete with high heels and for some reason as you read those comments you feel the need to ask so what about it?

It's not what you say but how you say it and I can't describe to you how they say it. I just know that I don't like it. With one breathe, glance he will be complimenting you and insult you. Their faces tell stories of pleasure and disgust and I am tempted to slap the hypocrisy out their genetic make-up.

Have you ever worn those figure-hugging outfits on your way out late at night? Clearly am taking about the women but if you are a guy and you have...the thought shocks me so much that I don't have a clever statement to complete that dis. Anyway if you have perhaps you will identify. The song 'Chokoza' by Avril and Marya rings in your head. As you slip into that little outfit, you feel psyched because you know that you will get a lot of attention in that little number plus you think you look good so you feel good. In the comforts of your home or of that of your friends you become ignorant of the icy breeze that awaits you the minute you step out. The red lipstick is because it pops. I mean it's one of those nights out, you aren't supposed to be subtle in your demand for attention so red it is, or purple or pink. The heels compliment the dress and even though you know at the back of your mind that you will struggle and trip and possibly fall and it won't be a pretty sight, you think of the models and actresses and how they wouldn't wear that dress with those flats. There, you have reasoned your way into those heals or so you think you did...reason, I mean.

You are set. Out into the world you go, walking, stumbling your hyper-self into the club as you constantly adjust your dress pulling it up to cover the cleavage a bit and down to cover the thighs a bit. And, in case you are wondering, at the back of your mind you did feel that dress was a size not yours. But, you shrugged it off. A part of you lied to you that you could handle it, so relax it's not your fault.

They look, ooh they look as you pass-by. The men that is, looking at you as you strut your stuff across the floor oblivious to the meticulous calculations that designed that walk and your constant fears of tripping and falling that haunt the back of your mind. Both of you love the feeling...of his gaze on you. But, you can pretend you don't, because I know the truth so am telling you, not asking.

You should know, ladies that he likes what he sees. He likes your public disregard of decency, he likes the raunchy thoughts that are running through his mind this night under the witness of the moon and those comments and glances are of pleasure but come tomorrow morning, under the judging sun these feelings will be overtaken by guilt and overbearing sense of morality. Disgust comes in the morning, hand in hand with the double standards. Nkt.

THE FIRST DAY

First day of school
Image from www.unitedwaytriangle.org

It's official, I hate introductions. "Hi, my name is Linda and you are? Aah, nice to meet you. Then you smile, and have you noticed that a polite smile puts strain on your mouth? Within minutes you are there exercising your jaw and even after you have stopped smiling you sort of feel like you still are. Introductions are awkward, that is why blind dates suck. So why was I introducing myself to people if I completely hate it?

Today is my first day as an intern at a media house. I'm I happy? No, more like nervous. My heart's racing and I keep wishing there was a manual somewhere that directed my every move. Is the experience bad? Not really, nothing much has happened seeing as its the first day.

On your first day of school or work you walk through the door for the first time and you feel foreign: the environment feels foreign to you and even your own body feels foreign to you. It is weird, like you were yourself when you walked out the door of your house but in new territory you feel like your experiencing yourself for the first time. And, I felt different.

Lucky for me, I am doing my internship with a friend so...not so scary but we were discussing in the hallway how powerless we feel. There is no difference between us and a newly born baby; on our first day we are anxious and need someone to hold our hands; caught between holding on to past comforts and dealing with the present challenges. The only difference between us and that newly born baby is that, the baby feels no embarrassment.

My friend and I walk around the office trying to look like we have a sense of purpose perhaps oblivious to our close to tip-toe walk as we are afraid to draw the attention of straying eyes. I notice how anxious I get when I walk into a room and some people raise their heads from behind their monitors to eye me to my seat and for a second I wish I were Stuart Little.

The day is over and am heading home. My first day is done and I exhale in relief. The worst is over right? Plus it wasn't so bad. Tomorrow I will feel more like myself and things will get better...I hope.

AWAKE

Hi blog, how have you been? I know that it has been a while. Feeling like a vampire who has been asleep for centuries. A little taste of blood and a fresh wave of air into my lungs and I feel like it is morning for the first time in months.

I have been asleep all this time. When I closed my eyes, it felt like any ordinary night and I thought that I would sleep for six hours as usual and wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and ready for the day. But, that wasn't the case. I closed my eyes and went to sleep and then in my sleep I went to sleep again and so you see, for several months I have been in deep slumber.

It's ironic you now, I being a writer of sorts who chose to study for a degree in print media being afraid of words; being afraid to express myself. But enough of that, I am awake now and I will hit the ground running. No more wasting time. Like MJ am declaring this is it. However, I hope that doesn't mean that I will kick the bucket like he did, that isn't the 'it' am talking about.

You might be wondering where I have been and what I have been doing with my time and perhaps you deserve an explanation but am not going to give you one. There are certain stories that just shouldn't be told. Let ignorance be bliss this time. We can just celebrate the fact that am back. For how long you ask? I don't know maybe just for this moment or forever, we can't predict the future and I can't speak for sure so lets take every moment as it comes. Lets focus on nothing else but now. Nothing else matters but the next few words that I punch on my keyboard. I won't worry about tomorrow, or a few seconds from now. I'll focus all my energy on finishing this sentence. One step at a time. One word at a time.

Like I said, hitting the ground running. Made my list of priorities and now the juggling begins. By the way, I hope to find purpose in this new journey am embarking on. I have realized how empty life is without it. How pointless everything is when you don't know why.