LOVE IN YOUR HANDS

I have been reading a post on Artlifeneema's blog; here. I completely agree that love these days has become mediocre. We are so bent on destroying ourselves and each other under the pretence of searching for...something.

I once had a guy hit on me with this line "L I love you.". I thought that I would forget my manners and drop to the floor in fits of laughter. I took time, composed myself and told him, "Do you know that I love you is not a pick up line?" But the point is love these days is such a casual feeling that we think we feel it for everyone then one day we wake up and wonder who is sleeping next to us.

Like Artlifeneema I have also come to learn that everyone in this world has a type. P.S. the "Bad Boy" is not a type, he is a crutch. When I say type, I don't mean someone whom you want or whom you think you want but someone designed for you. I am sure that everyone in their lives have met someone that just "gets them", someone you just "fit with" be it members of the same sex or the opposite sex. You feel like even if you argue, they understand that you don't hate them. Isn't that what we are all looking for? Why is it that family members fight so often? Becasue there is security, you are so sure that the blood that runs through your veins binds you forever, that and because you sleep in the same house and have to see each other every single day, eventually you will have to get over it.

Many people bring all love problems and issues to themselves. Think about it, if you are responsible for your happiness then you are equally responsible for your misery. Ignorance is not an excuse, sorry not even in this situation. Why would someone stay with someone who doesn't love them? If God (whomever you worship) designed love to be two way why settle for less? I would feel bad if in my relationship am the one doing all the loving and in my neighbour's house its both of them doing the loving.

The other thing is ignorance. Why would you stay with a guy who hasn't proposed to you for five years when majority of women get proposals after maximum two years? I know all relationships are unique but my dear, time won't wait for you. Besides I think if your guy really loves you then he would want to make you happy and if your the marrying type and he knows that...well, there you go.

Its a wicked world. Not everyone who says I love you, loves you. We can pity you if you fall into the traps of people who want to use and abuse you but what does my pity help you with? So avoid putting me in the position to give it to you.

If you marry someone for the wrong reasons, don't call the radio station anonymously to complain how life has been unfair to you. You deserve everything you get, suck it up. Harsh? probably, but you felt nothing taking that man/woman off the market with you loveless love. Your lovelessness causes him/her suffering, aren't you also being harsh?

I only have one life. I won't pretend that how I live it doesn't matter to me because it does. The last thing I want is to live with regrets. So I pledge to guard my heart and not be a victim or someone else's statistic. I will love honestly so Karma won't be indiffrent to me. I will wait for my "Extra ordinary, taintless but pure love in a world of chaos and deception." . Oh! and most importantly pray to my God to help me recognize him.

WHITE MAN FEVER

I want a white man, not just any white man but a good looking white man with any colored eyes except black. I don't want to marry him.  If I was to end up marrying a white guy, I guess I would be okay with that but I know for a fact that I really don't want to live permanently anywhere else apart from home.

I know exactly what am looking for-contrast. I can understand why centuries ago people had a hard time accepting their differences even though we were both sure that we were all human. Some of it was just pure hatred and am not talking about that, I'm just talking about our differences that we should appreciate but really have a hard time getting past.

So opposites attract. There is a fascination with something that you are not used to, somthing that isn't like you. I'm not sure i'm making sense yet it seems so blurry clear in my head.

I like the fact that our skin colors are different. I like/hate the fact that they have different colored eyes and we don't. Our hair textures are different which I also like/hate. I feel like we think differently, reason differently and that is what I want. I want to experience a clash of cultures. I particularly want the intimate clash of cultures, to be with someone who is particularly that different from me. I really want to mentally file the sensuality of those differences.

blue eyes

It is funny how I don't have the same fascination with Asians. There is nothing wrong with them, am just not that curious. Now they feel as though they come from a different planet. I am not trying to be racist, infact I will have you know that I have no problems with any race. Have you ever talked to someone and just feel like you are not speaking the same language even if you are and its like you can't really say what you want to say because you are afarid they won't understand? That is how I feel when I talk to Asians but then again that is how I feel when I talking to my parents and their generation.

You might think I am weird and maybe I am. What I am sure about is that I am a sensuous person. I get high on using my senses, especially when it feels good. I like how icecream feels when it glides down my throat. I like how new born babies smell. I like how the morning sun caresses my skin when I step outside after being inside for a long ltime. I like how eternal a beautiful flowered tree looks like. I can go on and on.

Ofcourse I am also attracted to black dudes but it is different. I am not sure it is possible to explain but because we are the same, well sort of, I get attracted to other differences, the usual differences that attract women.

What if my white man fever is just because of how they are painted to appear on T.V? It is possible. What am I saying...it is definetely a contributing factor. Too bad, I still want.

I EARN LESS THAN MY CHIC,NOW SHE LOOKS DOWN ON ME

Someone asked me why is it that when women start to earn more money than the men they become unbearable to live with. He was just from having a heated debate about it and was just telling me how heavy and interesting the debate got. Its funny how arguments that have to do with relationships, religion and politics never end and how engaging they can be, I mean you can just go on and on and on, which they did. Anyway he wanted to know my two cents.

 When I like a dude there is a side of me that comes out. It is more of a playful, submissive, coquet. In fact I can even refer to it as my alter ego. There are times I hardly recognize myself or half of the things that come out of my mouth. My mannerisms become tenderer, am patient and happy. In short I become a fool, sue me. What am trying to get at is that I become more submissive and that’s maybe cause I like the guy but am also that way in the presence of a capable, well built man who knows himself and his stuff. I check all my loud mouth bullying at the door.

Thing is, I think women are submissive in nature whether you agree or disagree, that’s fine. You are entitled to your own opinion and I am entitled to mine. In the presence of a big man (big meaning big bodied or powerful or superior in anyway) we tend to become more aware of our submissive nature and that’s when you want to “take care of your man”; cook and clean for him. However, I realize this depends again on how one was brought up.

My point is that when a man is a man a woman will be a woman and when a man is not a man a woman won’t be a woman. We submit to someone who is stronger and more capable than us. So when you are earning less than us that is when we get a big head. Then again I have never experienced this, even growing up; my father always earned more than my mom. However, I believe that if your income does not give you that edge (that makes you feel like the man in the house), you need to find it within yourself.

Think about it, if your parents never acted like parents would you treat them as such? Even if they were poor and you were the one bringing in more money to help them out, would you disrespect them?  They knew who they were to you and acted like it. So if you know who you are to your woman and act like it then she won’t disrespect you. Note!! If you begin to miss treat her and beat her she will start to look for an exit and earning more money than you, well….she will find it. Besides beating a woman doesn’t make you manlier, on the contrary it makes you come off as a coward-picking a fight with someone obviously smaller than you.

In everything there is an exception and my theory also has an exception. There are just some women shallow enough to think that the man has to earn more money than her and if not then he isn’t a man. If your woman thinks like this, there is nothing I can say but get a better paying job or put up.

  WHAT MY HANDWRITING SAYS ABOUT moi 

   I took this test sometime back and I don't even remember where I got the test from but I know I definitely got it from the internet so I decided to post the results. Hihi it's kinda true.

1. Your letters slope,

Backward - indicates that you are shy, hesitant and afraid to show your feelings.

2. The letters in your words are,

Partially connected - indicates that you are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships.

3. The spaces between your words are,

Narrow - indicates that you are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!

4. How close together are your lines of writing?

Close enough so that the descendants touch the ascendants - indicates that you like to be organized.

5. What color ink did you choose?

Blue black - indicates that you are rational and conservative. You adhere to conventions and traditions.

6. How large was your capital I in the sample?

Smaller than other capitals - indicates that you are well adjusted and harmonious, a person content with your current role.

7. What do your t bars look like?

Cross the’t’ more or less in the middle - indicates that you are not very original but quite responsible.

8. Your writing slopes,

Upward - indicates that you are energetic, optimistic, and assertive.

9. Which takes the most space vertically in a line of your writing?

The ascenders - indicates that you are idealistic, ambitious, and intuitive.

10. How much pressure does your writing show?

Firm and even - indicates that you are a person of strong but rigid will, obstinate but powerful.

THINKING LIKE A MAN

A book has been written on how to think like a man. I haven't read it so it wasn't my inspiration. My inspiration was me! not trying to be conceited but I really did inspire myself to want to think like a man. However, trust me not all the time but only when it suits me.

When I feel overloaded with work, my senses becomes more acute to everything else around me that is wrong or could be wrong. This makes me feel even more overloaded. If I thought like a man, when feeling overloaded I would shut down from everything else around me and focus on the one major problem. In doing this, I would not feel like there is so much to do and very little time then I wouldn't feel like my world is over because I missed the bus to school.

I have this tendency for working more for less. I just find it hard to ask for more even if I deserve it. I keep waiting for someone else to point out that I have done alot and deserve a vacation or more money or even just more recognition. If I thought like a man I would do little and expect to be recognized for it, I would not feel shy in telling people that I have done so much hence increase the $kaching$ or give me a day off or something.

I have a problem with maths and maps. I can calculate simple math but when it comes to all the complicated stuff I can literally feel my brain hiding behind my skull and my whole body becomes very unreceptive. With a map I tend to wonder if my estimate of the distance is the right one or am I just heading in the wrong direction. I know it is unfair to assume that math is easy for all men and am not. It is however, easy for majority of them and if I could just get my mathophobia under control well... I would not realize later that I paid more than I should for my bus fare because I was afaid I couldn't mentally calculate large numbers on my feet.

I have this tendency to read every action that a man does to be a sign that he likes me back. When I like someone my reasoning capacity drops in value like our currency at the moment. It is hard to reason that when he smiles at you, it is just because that is what you do when you are in good terms with someone. I find it hard to see that he holding my hand means nothing because am busy concentrating on how his skin feels on mine. However, unlike most women I have serious issues and I would never let a guy know that I like him before he shows me that he likes me. Again, unlike most chics I tend to limit my ability to wait for a guy to a very little duration that one can wonder if what I felt was even real in the first place.

Even if I sometimes wish I could think like a dude I like that I think like a chic because I don't have an extremly senstiive ego that needs nurturing and it isn't hard for someone to picture me swallowing my pride. Besides am highly intuitive and nothing goes passed my senses without detection.

MORNING BLUES

I wake up and stare at the celing. My mind feels like traffic at 11 olock on a week day. I want to say something but what? Guess I'm just so happy. Everything makes sense and i feel like I can conquer the world. Wait? I have conqurered the world...at this moment at least. I close my eyes and breath in then out. That was yesterday morning. 

Today am awake lying on my bed and wondering what the hell is up with this dark cloud above my head? The day is dull and i swear it is just amazing how a dull day can make my moods change. I feel like turning on the television and just loosing myself in the world of magic where everything is beautiful and well not real.

Its funny how my mood at this particular second is not going to be my mood say, a minute from now. How do we live like this? Constantly changing from one feelling to another. At one time you are happy and satisfied with everything and the next minute unhappy and wondering what you are doing on earth. At one time you feel so secure, accepted and brave then all of a sudden you feel insecure, judged and a coward. I don't get it?

Something is wrong with the world. There is an air of ......i dont know its just bad

BAD, BAD, BAD DAY

I arived here all serious. I have alot to do and well i have the mental preparedness to bury my head in my books or so i thought. i have this very nasty feeling in my heart like a tight knot or a clenched fist. i feel cheated and short-changed. Yeah....yeah i know i have said these a thousand times but it sounds fresh everytime. Okay, no it doesn't hihi. Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is...i don't know what the point is. I just feel like I'm in prison, like i'm suspended in limbo and can't get down.

It's not a pleasant feeling. I however, don't know how to get rid of it. I at times feel like i have this beautiful garden of  white, pink, yellow, red, orange purple carnatians in my heart and they are dying and i keep watering them and they are still withering. I am watering them, right? that is water am using, right? It could be acid and here i'm thinking that it is crytal clear spring water from Kilimanjaro.

I want to stand ontop of a mountain and scream my lungs out. Maybe then i can let out all this pressure that is being exerted onto my heart. Maybe i could find an open field and run like a dog (but with my mouth closed) so i can shake away this feeling of having lived in a box for centuries.

What i can't stand most is this freaking circus ride of my emotions. Always up and down, up and down and never for a constant period of time. 30min up, 60min down, 10 sec up, 55sec down, 1hr 30min up, 5min down. I get so overwhelmed i feel like there is a part of me that is about to crack.

I wish there was a way i could buy my way to emotional paralysis. Maybe then i wouldn't have to deal with this freak show of a ride. The worst part is when you are smiling at people with every part of you is mulfunctioning.

IF WISHES WERE HORSES

I wish i was a singer, not because i can sing for i assure you i can't but because when i was small i wished i could be a singer.

I wish i could be an assassin, not because i want to kill people but because t.v. makes it look like a cool profession.

I wish i was a vampire, not because i like strawberry juice or red wine but because they are made to look so passionate but are they? not so much this one, they scare me sometimes.

I wish i was a bird, not because they don't have to worry about where their next meal is going to come from but because i think the sky is a quieter place to rejuvenate one's energy away from everyone.

I wish i was a top chef, not because i want to work in the most prestigious restaurants but because i want to eat a variety of foods in a variety of ways

I wish i could ride a horse, not because they are beautiful powerful beasts...okay because they are beautiful powerful beasts.

I wish you liked me the way i like you, not because my body longs for your attention but because my ego longs for your attention.

I wish i was white, not because i think they are very beautiful but because in Kenya they can do whatever they want and wear whatever they feel like for they have a valid excuse-they are white.

I wish i was not afraid, not because fear paralyzes you but because i feel like God designed me to be brave.

I wish i had nine  lives, not because it would be convenient but because then i can be the many people i have always wanted to be.

I wish fairy tales were true, not because they always end in a happy ending but because they aren't real.

I wish everyone could read my wishes, not because i have a very important message to pass to you but because i just wish.

I wish i did not worry so much, not because worrying will give me ulcers but because i never see how it helps me.

I wish i had a genie to make all my wishes come true.

“I WISH EVERYONE IN THE WORLD WOULD JUST DISAPPEAR!”

If you have ever watched Billy and Mandy; the cartoon, there is an episode where Mandy is asked to make three wishes. By the third wish, everyone was making so much noise, nagging her that she shouted, “I wish everyone in the world would just disappear!” And there was silence. She didn’t really mean it, it was just the things you say when you are angry but when she realized that everyone in the world had disappeared, she thought “cool”. At the time I watched the episode I also thought “cool”. I thought it would be amazing to live in this world as if everybody just disappeared. Well, everybody hasn’t disappeared but God sometimes it feels that way. It isn’t as cool as I thought it would be.


I was listening to a song that I love and felt so empty and void inside and the reason why I felt so empty listening to a song that would otherwise make me feel happy or giddy was because I had no one to share it with. I don’t mean sharing in the sense of singing along with someone or even that you know that your friend also loves the song. I don’t know what I mean. I just know that there is a feeling of not being alone that makes music that much enjoyable, that makes food taste better and more filling, water look so much more crystal clear and quenching.

It is easier to think that you can do all things when you are doing nothing: to think that you can do without people when you are surrounded by them: to think that you can go on a diet when you are eating. One day I was walking with friends thinking to myself that I can do so much work and of better quality when I work on my own. I wasn’t paying attention to what they were talking about however, what resuscitated me from my mental discourse was what one of them said “You can go faster on your own but you can go further with people.” I know she got that quote somewhere, I just don’t know where.

I used to wonder what made some successes more satisfying than others.  It wasn’t just because you succeeded truthfully, through your own blood and sweat and gained so much invaluable experience and knowledge on your way up. It was because you experienced every step of your journey and shared that experience with others. At the end of a long day, you shared your day with your friends over a cup of tea or coffee, glass of wine or mug of beer. You shared your problems and laughed about something or nothing at all. So that in the future you could reminisce the far you have come, but not just you but you and your friends and family.

We are so embarrassed with the idea of wanting people around us, of needing someone around us. We feel those feelings weak and pathetic and we suppress them, ignore them, downplay them and push people away then wonder why we are so unhappy. I get it! I get it now. Humans are social beings, it is how we are designed and that is how we achieve true complete happiness.