I remeber you

I remember the first day I met you. Not the details but I remember meeting you. I remember talking to you and liking you. I remember not wanting the day to end, not wanting to say goodbye, not wanting to leave you. I just wanted you to know that I remember.

When I reminisce about those times I realize that I may have given you the wrong impression. I realize that I may have made you feel like you meant nothing to me; like you were nothing more than a passing fancy. You were a fancy, that I assure you but you did not pass. I just wanted you to know that.

The reason why I remember you is because I guess you left a lasting impression. Never have I remembered a dude's full names like this before or how he looked. There are always things I end up forgetting. Not because I want to but...I don't know. My brother calls it selective memory.

I remember never wanting to hurt you. I would have liked to have protected you...from pain I guess or...I don't know...you just made me feel this way. You made me feel like a woman; kind, calm, tender, sensitive, and protective. I just wanted you to know how much emotions you evoked in me. I know I said nothing, showed nothing and did nothing but I need you to know that I did not feel nothing; not for you anyway.

I want you to know that when I think of you I am overcome by guilt. You made me feel like a bad person. When you did all you could to reach out to me and all I did was turn away. When you showed me your heart and I just closed my eyes. I remember when you sent your friend to look for me so that when he found me you could call and we could talk on the phone. Do you remember? Well, I remember, I have never been able to forget. It's the source of my guilt. That one memory makes me feel so bad inside that I want to forget. I had so much nothing to do that I did not give you the time of day. It wasn't you, the problem, it's me. I was going through stuff and I felt like I had nothing to offer you. And when I feel inadequate I shut down. When you wrote to me that you get that I don't like you the way you like me well, I hated myself for being in that position. It wasn't that I did not like you, it's just that I...like I said, was going through...stuff.

I don't know what I miss from you. I don't know if it was the attention you gave me or the love you felt for me, if indeed that was what you felt or was it that one moment that we spoke. That one conversation that made me wish we were somewhere else so that we could waste the day wraped in each others lives. Perhaps it was the feelings I felt from that one conversation; the feeling of being calm and tender and wanting you to take care and protect me. Maybe I don't miss you at all, maybe it's the guilt that makes me think that I miss you. I really don't know exactly what this is. I just know that sometimes I miss you and alot of times I think of you and how life could have been had I not let you go.

I just wanted...needed you to know that I remember you, that I have never forgotten and that I doubt I will ever forget you.