PARANOIA

“Make sure nobody sees the depression in your eyes. Ooh, how I wish my nose was smaller. If only I were a little bit lighter. Why did God give me this hair? Life would have been better if I had hair like Asian women. It would be soft and long and it would blow in the wind. I would be prettier if I had that hair. You’re beautiful…sometimes. Remember that mum always says that there are more beautiful women in the world. She thinks you don’t already know that. Your eyes are your best assets. Why are you only beautiful sometimes? I wish I was someone else.”

“Stop looking at me,” looking away from the mirror.

“Get out of your head, you idiot.”

“Look at her, isn’t she beautiful. I wish I was as pretty as her. No, I wish I was pretty but different. I would know how to use my beauty. She always wears so nicely. I hate her. I hate myself. If my boyfriend ended up liking her I guess I would step aside. I would pretend to understand and not be concerned then cry to myself hoping no one hears my sobs.”

“Get out of your head.”

“Why did I dream about him last night? Those emotions felt real. When I saw him walk over to me, finding me in the crowd I tried so much to hide in. He looked for me, wanted me and he gave me a red rose in front of everyone. Why did he do that? In reality he gave me cake. I swear there was no one else in the room and he looked me straight in the eye. Don’t know why there was so much noise. Why did he do that? I wish I could ask him and he tells me.” I remember the day in the swimming pool; he would dive under water and pull my leg. Why did he do that also? I thought we were playing. I tried to blow it off but he did it again and again so I thought we were playing. I laugh and move close to him."

“Don’t come near me!”

“Why did he say that? The look in his eyes, his hand held out like a traffic cop so that he makes sure I don’t come close to him. He really didn’t want me to come close to him and my chest feels tight. Tears sting my eyes. Don’t blink. Why did he push me away like that? Is it that he doesn’t want people to think he likes me? Is he ashamed to like me? I hate him. I hate myself. Sorry, I lied; I like him though I still hate myself. Wish I was someone else.”

“Get out of your head you idiot, let it go that happened a long time ago.”

“Why do I have to rely on you, lord? Why do I have to owe you anything? Life is so hard on your own, but if you rely on someone else, they will own you and they will let you down? I wish I was perfect, and then I won’t need you...or anyone for that matter. Why is it so hard to make friends? It is easy for other people. Why do I feel this way? If only I didn’t exist. I wonder how I would feel. It won’t matter because if I didn’t exist I wouldn’t feel anything. What’s my talent? We are all going to die. No one will miss me when am gone, who cares.”

“Get out of your head you idiot”

“It is a lovely day. It’s like the sun is smiling. The sky is so blue. I love the weather like this. Feel like dancing to this song. I can do this. Life is how you want it to be. He said I have beautiful eyes. Can’t stop smiling. I see a future even though there is nothing there. However, it feels like everything will be okay.”

“Dear God, I should write you a letter sometime. You created me like this. Just like this and I hope you aren’t angry with me because am difficult and stubborn by nature. My faith will waiver because you are asking a lot from me. You are asking me to trust you. I don’t think I can do that. Why did you create me with this temperament? Why was I born with tendencies of depression and suicide? The pleasures of the flesh are so sweet. Sometime I don’t think I’ll make it; to heaven that is. I hate you sometimes, like really hate you sometimes and I blame you a lot for a lot of things that are probably my fault. I wish I could see myself through someone else’s eyes, just to know what I’m working with. Why did you create me like this? Bear with me. Please, don’t send me to hell."

“Get out of your head you, you idiot!”